Dead to Myself, Alive in Christ

Alive. That’s my word this year. In every way while being on the Race, God has shown me how to come alive in different things, regardless of how painful it can become to step out. He’s shown me how to truly live for him, how to live a life on mission and honestly, He’s allowed me to see just how much I LOVE it! Is it chaotic? Yes, especially the stress of knowing how much you must fundraise, or how much you will be stretched in how you do ministry as well as in the ways you aren’t used to. Are my expectations absolutely crushed or changed completely? Absolutely. I knew that it would be hard to adjust to being in a group of people, especially having drama with my previous young adults group, trying to overcome that initial fear of stepping out again. 
Enjoy a picture of me, Em and Nat on the back of camels??!

”In all of my affliction I find great comfort in your promises, for they have kept me alive!” ~Psalm 119:50 TPT

It’s been hard because part of me wants to keep stepping out, to be unapologetically me in regards to how I live for God and slowly becoming the woman God made me to be; but then, fear enters and I start doubting that the people I’m with will welcome me, support me or be there for me to talk to them. Unity has been a big deal for me, especially because it’s something that’s consistently been something I’ve wanted but just when it seems to be coming together, it all falls apart again. Unity in a community has been something I’ve had trouble finding for long periods of time; conflict is only natural in those settings, but it seems at times that it just won’t cease and then all the work I’ve put in to loving that community ends, somehow leaving me behind because they decide it’s easier to create rumors than to keep moving forward.

Part of me would know that it wasn’t my fault, at least not completely; it was just happening because God had bigger plans for me and that season of life was meant to end, launching me into a new season. That’s why/when my season of singleness began, not just in regards to romance but also in regards to knowing that God will always be the one I need above anyone else: as a friend, a Father, wise council, a guide and/ or a fortress of protection that is surrounded by love. Needless to say, it’s been a hard, yet very rewarding, path of growth as I have continued on the Race and in this new season. I’ve learned that my trust had to be fully placed in God before I could even learn how to fully trust people, and even then, He began to teach me in discretion to how much I trust certain people with because we shouldn’t place all of our trust in people, even if they mean well. 

The Jordanian flag ???? flying high above the historic city of Petra! 

“I can never forget the profound revelations that you’ve taught me, for they have kept me alive for than once.” ~Psalm 119:93 TPT

People will disappoint you; it’s human nature and that’s okay. God knows that’s how we are and He loves us IN SPITE of it all. He really is SO good, far better than we deserve and he shares His love so unselfishly and easily. And all-in-all, He just wants us to do the same for Him and His people: love them unconditionally and in spite of everything others will do to disappoint, hurt or sadden you. Grace is a gift that God gives to ALL those who follow Him faithfully because we NEED it; it is only something that can be given by him, and it is what we must give even if we don’t want to because of how hurt we are by them. He didn’t promise us a life free from trial and/or hurt; we are hated because the world hated him first, and because we are of Him, it hates us now too. 

Being a follower of Christ is being alive for Him, being a vessel for Him to use at any/all times. He will wait for us to give him permission because he will never force himself onto us; additionally though, he doesn’t do so because He WANTS us to choose him willingly, not because he forced us to. Free will is a blessing even on the days it feels more like a curse; it allows you to make choices, to live life according to Him or according to the world, to choose love or to choose hate, to choose joy or to choose to be melancholy and the list goes on. Choose to be available, flexible and surrendered because when you do, He provides in abundance! The fundraising? I’m done, I don’t need to worry about it. Spending/fun money for adventure days? It’s covered because my mom and stepdad are amazing.

From the left to the right: Renee, me and Bailee taking a selfie on the path to Petra.

“Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on Him to guide you and he will lead you in every decision you make.” ~Proverbs 3:5 TPT

If you are willing to place all your trust in Him, he will do amazing things in your life. I cannot tell you all of the abundant blessings we’ve seen because I would be writing this post for a VERY long time, but I am confident that He is blessing me/us/our squad because we are being obedient to His call on our lives. We are letting Him guide our steps, steward our relationships in the way they are meant to be, placing our trust, hope and patience in Him, allowing Him to mold/shape us on a daily basis and the list goes on. Feeling spiritually heavy is so real, especially when we went through Petra, and that is why I’m fully confident in the fact that I will not only return to Ukraine one day, but also to Jordan. God is moving my heart, and I am willing to keep letting Him do so.