“In everything you do, be careful to treat others in the same way you’d want them to treat you, for that is the essence of all the teachings of the Law and the Prophets.”-Matei 7:12 TPT
Buna dimineata! I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve posted, and I apologize; thank you for being patient with me, and definitely expect at least three blog posts (including this one) within the next couple days. God has been doing amazing things during our time in Craiova, but we’ve had plenty of challenges. My time in Romania has not been what I was expecting; however, I’ve come to learn that God’s expectations not only far outweigh my own, but they are also better for me and have my best interests/desires in mind. I felt isolated from my squad mates even though I was with some of them during our quarantine, doing team time in inter-mixed teams, forming friendships with them for a good three weeks of not going out to do the ministry we thought we were coming to do.
It was honestly a very sweet time, a hard time in some ways, but I think we all needed a good heart check before God could truly send us out. After all, if we’re spiritually empty, how can we really pour out into other people? If a cup is empty, nothing will pour out of it, and I truly believe we were all drained in many ways and needed some time with our good Father. Even though my squad mates were mostly present, some of them intentionally getting to know me, asking questions about my life and relationship with God, I somehow still felt isolated from them. BUT, then I realized what it was besides isolation: I wasn’t really giving them the option to love me, and to do so well.
I grew up with a toxic vision of what love is supposed to look like and because of that, I’d push people away when I felt they were getting closer to me. I knew it was the enemy getting into my head, but I ended up letting him because it was easier than fighting it like God says for us to do. My point: God has been teaching me how to let other people love me, to actually let them in, and to let Him love me in the way He wants to love me. I want to publicly apologize to my squad mates, every single one of them, if it seemed that I was pushing you away or coming across as cold, or even for giving you a front of being okay when you-all clearly knew I wasn’t okay. Thank you for continuing to be patient with me, and I really encourage all of you (and anyone else who reads this blog and has been hurt by me in some way and/or just wants to know more) to reach out, to ask me questions about this if it seems vague or you just simply want to know more.
“Love is large and incredibly patient; love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten.”- 1 Corinteni 13:4-8 TPT
God has been slowly teaching me that instead of pushing away love, I should be finding new ways I love to be shown love, how I want to be seen and heard; He’s shown me that it’s okay to be vulnerable, that it’s okay to NOT be okay, that He will wipe every tear away. There’s a song called “Broken Prayers” by Riley Clemmons; I’ve been listening to it nearly every-day, crying along with the song and just knowing that I feel God’s presence, almost like He is holding me and weeping with me. The lyrics “But you’re not afraid of all the things I feel. So why am I afraid of being real?” really tell me that God values my emotions, that He laughs along with me, weeps alongside me, is hurt when I am hurt or I have subconsciously hurt others, forgives me when I forgive others/when they forgive me, etc. He wants me to grow into the woman I was created to be, and I truly believe that He is working alongside me, chipping away any harder parts of my heart, mending me in the ways I’ve been hurt by others or when I’ve been unkind to myself.
And then the chorus says, “You want my tears, every messy word, every scar and every fear. You want all I have with no holding back. When I’m hurt, at my worse, you meet me there; cause you see the beauty in my broken prayers, in my broken prayers.” He doesn’t care if we pray a “perfect” prayer, if our scars and wounds are exposed, if we are crying hysterically, if we are sitting on the ground, staring off into space when we feel numb or drained; in fact, not only does He look at us and hear our feelings, He COMES to us, He MEETS us in the midst of our pain and provides comfort, holding us in His loving arms and lets us stay as long as we want/need. He is Jehovah Jireh our Provider, Jehovah Rapha our Healer, and so much more.
“Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all I’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease.”-Psalmii 103:2-3
